Ok so, I’ve decided that there’s no ‘maybe,’ ‘possibly’ or ‘sort of’ about my situation. I have depression and I need to see someone about it.
Yesterday I took a midterm and I don’t feel that I did very well. I went through the usual motions of feeling stupid, berating myself for letting a pesky thing like sleep get in the way of me revising more. I was worried that I would burst into tears after the exam, but no. I just felt numb. It was like I was watching myself take the test. Then I woke up this morning and I was so tired. I couldn’t get out of bed. And I didn’t feel sad or angry I just felt this crushing awful exhaustion. Don’t worry, about an hour later I had to pee so I did leave the bed eventually. But it lead me to reevaluate myself a little.
I always wrote off my lack of emotion as a side effect of getting my anxiety under control- I thought I was just desensitising myself to avoid panic attacks, but I feel differently now.
After/during my resit year I was without a shadow of a doubt depressed. Crying-unstable-messy depressed. But I thought it would stop if I got into uni- and I did. Maybe my first pointer was that when my mother was thrilled that I got into the uni I wanted, all I could feel was sheer relief. It was like a faint kind of happiness- like when you poke mince in it’s packaging at the super market.
That could define the past three years actually. I know how I’m meant to feel. I’m meant to feel like these are the best years of my life. I’m meant to be falling in love and getting heartbroken and feeling everything so I can prepare for the emotional boredom of marriage etc. etc.
But I can’t feel anything. And I don’t feel like doing anything. I’m doing a term abroad and I have to force myself to do things.
I desperately want to feel alive again. And I’ve tried new things- I moved to a different continent for fuck’s sake. But I have a sneaking suspicion that the answer to my depression may be a decent doctor and a course of antidepressants. The main issue with that is that I have been to my doctor and he said I was probably just down- gave me a website to look at. A fucking website. Pro-tip: if you’re a doctor and someone comes to you and says they think they have depression, you send them to a mental health professional. Not a fucking website.
I’m going to look into mental health treatment over here in Canada, but in myself I do understand that to begin to feel whole again I’m going to have to consider some painful memories and feelings that I have to ignore to in order to function properly. I’m going to need to forgive myself for my resit year, and for struggling the past couple of years. Perhaps beyond antidepressants, I need to learn to be kind to myself. Having said that I buy myself food a lot- that’s pretty kind.
I’ll keep you updated- all 8 of you. And remember; this is all just stuff that’s going to make my autobiography more scandalous (I don’t care if no one wants me to write one it’s on my bucket list, and if you won’t, I’m sure my mum’ll buy it…maybe).
Thanks for reading! I hope your mental health is better than mine 🙂
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