Hello poor humans who had the unfortunate luck to stumble across my blog.
I’ll warn you, it’s R rated (not X rated because I might swear a lot but I’m not THAT cool), and contains stories of cynicism, high anxiety and the everyday mumblings of a 21 year old who lacks direction. I’m excited, are you?!
So without further ado, let’s begin!
So for those who don’t know I recently moved to Canada for 4 months and I’m now settled into my university residence and my lectures.
But here’s the tricky thing- I’m reacting to the stress of the situation by reacting the way I always react to stressful situations, by procrastinating then doing ridiculous amounts of work in one day, basically holing up in my room and only leaving to get food and occasionally wine.
Now I think I’m getting a bit of a reputation as an antisocial loner, when I’m really more of a socially anxious introvert, so even though some basic aspects in the assumption are right, I’m still a little worried that my time over here will basically be spent working and having awkward conversations because I don’t feel at home enough to initiate a full-on friendship.
This weekend was good, I went out, got drunk with my flatmate and her friend, both lovely, came back had a hangover the next day, but in the morning I just couldn’t shake off a weird feeling of unease (probably the wine shakes but still).
I will be doing a lot of work the next few months since it’s my final year, but it takes me a while to get used to living with so many people. This is becoming a huge worry for me because later in life, what will I do if I have to move to a foreign country for work or whatever, will I end up hiding myself away because I’m nervous?
This hasn’t happened in a while, I think because I’m trying to get used to a new country and new people at the same time it’s become a bit overwhelming, and I’m rather ashamed that I, a vaguely competent sort-of adult, can’t just force herself to be a little bit social.
I’m beginning to realise that the support system I left behind took a long time to build, and maybe since I’m only here for 4 months I’m resisting really making one here because I’ll have to leave it?
*Sigh* Things have changed since last week and things will change by next week; I knew studying abroad would be hard, I just didn’t realise until I literally got on the flight that for the first time in a long time I would be completely by myself. I can’t go home for a weekend if I’m feeling low, there’s no auntie or old friend to visit if I need feeding or cheering up. For the first time I’m fully reliant on myself to take care of my mental health. And honestly that terrifies me.