Today I read something that struck a chord with me: ‘My mental illness makes it hard for me to complete simple tasks.’
After weeks of feeling sleepy and lethargic but admittedly better, I have stopped taking my antidepressants, and even though they didn’t appear to be having much affect, going off them has made me think a little differently. Not enough to go back on them, but still, differently.
The past few days have been difficult. I’m struggling to work, and I came to the horrifying realisation today that my dissertation is due in a month, I am auditioning to speak at my graduation, and I’m doing an interview for a journalism postgrad and I just feel as if I have done so little.
I feel lazy and frustrated and have the desperate need to do something wild; I died my hair blue last night. Whenever I feel trapped in myself I do something weird with my hair, for some reason I find it cathartic.
Quite often, I feel as if I’m exaggerating my mental illness, today has been one of those days which reminds me that regardless of how many people tell me I am, professional or otherwise, they don’t live in my brain, so they don’t really know.
I’m set to go to Edinburgh with my parents tomorrow and I’m not sure if it’s a good idea. I did toy with the idea of staying at home with my brother, but there are only two options really; lonely at home, or overwhelmed in Edinburgh. I have no real issue with staying with my parents, it’s just that as an introvert I need the occasional break, and I won’t get that if I go to Edinburgh.
I think it’s going to be a late night tonight (isn’t it always) which won’t put me in the best mood for tomorrow.
I’m also a little on edge because I had an argument with my mum, which happens much less often now I’ve gotten older. Essentially there is a massive double standard when it comes to my brother and I in terms of expectations, pressures, jobs etc. I think I’ll stop there because I don’t think oversharing on the internet will help anything, even though I’m fairly certain that is the bedrock upon which this blog was founded.
In other, more positive news, I’m pretty close to 100 followers! How exciting! Hopefully I’ll get a few more so I can say to everyone who asks me what I’m doing with my life that I have a huge online following (hey if it was a primary school class or something 100 would be huge).
As always, feedback is appreciated, and if you feel like being my favourite person in the whole world- except maybe Natalie Dormer, still not over her perfect hair and extensive knowledge of Tudor history- hit the follow button to make a boring student happy.
And on that note I’ll sign off: remember to punch nazis, retweet clown pictures of Putin, and then reward yourself with a pitcher of margaritas, or tea if that’s not your thing.