Happy Thursday everyone- or maybe sad Thursday? When I was little my grandad used to call a happy meal a sad meal if I threw a kiddie tantrum, so happy Thursday I guess.
So interesting news, after joking about not having a low day for a while, here we are.
It’s not so much a low day as a frustrating one. There have been a few angry tears, which is my least favourite form of crying; my favourite is laugh-crying.
Well this week hasn’t been weird so much as it’s been hard.
I have been really struggling with motivation this week. I’ve found myself no closer to finishing an essay due on Wednesday next week, not as far along in dissertation as I wanted to be, and behind on applying for jobs, postgrads etc. etc.- and my list of things to do goes on and on and just keeps growing.
Usually when this happens I panic and do all of it and feel really satisfied and productive, regardless of my mental health, which ironically I think is a symptom of anxiety. But this week? Nope. No motivation- I’ve had ample time off, plenty to do, and a list and timetable I made to make sure I finished them and have I? No.
Now possibly the worst thing about this is that on my list of things to do is “fill out pec form.” Now a pec form is so that if something happens I can ask for an extension etc. and I’ll be granted it due to extenuating circumstances, now I haven’t completed it and I’m finding myself with the possibility of needing to use it in the next week.
My lack of productivity is really overwhelming me, and for some reason I can’t seem to force myself to work.
This is my lowest day in a while and to top it all off I’m moving tomorrow, so all we’re doing is adding more to my to-do list.
I’ve applied for jobs, and I want to apply for postgrads but I’m digging my heels in; I think it might be because deep down I know that I might not be able to cope another year with the pressure of uni.
I need to do well in the next two months, this essay is worth 40% of my grade, and I can barely function. I’m in a dilemma- I need to get counselling and fill out my pec form.
…I should probably add those to the list.
If I don’t graduate with a 2:1 I won’t be able to do much. If I don’t do as well as I want to, I’ll probably become more depressed. I need something to pull me out of this rut, and the pills aren’t working…now I’m singing “the drugs don’t work” in my head. Oh for God’s sake, focus!
Fuck depression, fuck uni and most importantly fuck my brain for not working in the manner it’s supposed to. Really annoys me sometimes. Then others it’s kind of soul-crushing, but tbh it’s mostly just annoying.
Stay foxy internet, I’ll try to resist the urge to try adderall this weekend.