Let’s talk about me again


Yup it’s me, talking about myself again. Shocker.

Ok so, my mum has now left, I am fully moved into my uni accommodation, and (surprise of the century) I have done basically nothing since friday.

Now I should clarify that there have been some genuinely amazing moments this weekend, despite me basically being stuck laptop to face.

Firstly, I checked an item off my bucket list that I didn’t even realise was on there. I watched Finding Nemo at an outdoor cinema in front of the Montreal skyline.

Now, I’ll admit that when I decided to do a semester in Montreal this was the type of thing I thought I’d be writing about, not panicking about what I would do without my mum’s help.

And I’ll admit that the socially anxious introvert in me (or more or less just is me) needed some courage to go by myself to a place where I didn’t know anyone. But I thought hey I like movies, and it’s pretty much enforced that you don’t talk while watching a movie. Unless you’re a twat that is.

So, like the trainee grown-up I am, I filled my new free water bottle from the frosher’s fair up with wine and went on my merry way.

And when I got there, wow. I saw the screen the skyline and thought of how I never could have experienced something like this at home. And then Finding Nemo started playing, and if you’ve met me for more than one consecutive minute, you’ll know that this is possibly my favourite ever film. Maybe because I haven’t seen Finding Dory yet.

But this is mine and a friend from home’s film. It’s our thing, our in-joke, we used to work together and when we were in a windowless room supervising paintings for hours on end, all we would have to do is whisper one line of Finding Nemo to each other and we were in stitches. It’s silly and childish and has been going on since we were about 17, but when Finding Nemo came on that screen, for the first time in a week I felt a little bit at home.

I struggle with feeling at home sometimes. At boarding school (yes I went to boarding school, feel free to judge) I was surrounded by people constantly if I wanted a chat or a hug or whatever, this didn’t change in halls or my flat in second year because I lived with someone who I’m still friends with and could talk to about pretty much anything.

As an introvert, I like being alone. I like reading and solo movie nights and sleeping like a starfish, but I do start to feel lonely if I don’t see anyone for a while. And in a new place with new people, when I’m sat by myself in a room, I do feel quite lonely, and because boarding school and uni provided me with the ability to walk out of my room and have a support system readily available, I don’t really know how to build one by myself.

Not to mention I went to boarding school in Edinburgh, grew up in rural Scotland and go to university in Newcastle and I’m now doing an exchange in Canada, which means I don’t really think I’m planning a future by way of giving myself long-term support.

I’ve always prided myself in being independent, in being able to be alone. But now with pressure work-wise and a dissertation to do, a degree to get and a future to plan, I think I might not have time to create a support base, and I’m well aware of how unhealthy that is.

There is also mounting pressure on all fronts to start looking for an actual long term relationship, but after being so aggressively independent for so long, and moving from place to place growing up, I never really seized any opportunities for romantic relationships. I guess I thought that they would come with a sell-by date and even though I think that any level of relationship (platonic or otherwise) can be beneficial, I didn’t want something disposable.

Either way, I’m starting to realise now that adulthood and the future are coming, whether I’m ready for it or not, and at some point I’m going to have to figure out what I want or remain adrift.

In other, more exciting news, I may have been given a new writing opportunity. I’m unsure whether anything will come of it but stay tuned, this could get exciting. Also check out my Instagram at the top of the page if you want some pics of (the touristy part I’ll admit) Montreal. And if you want more blogs about my life (god help us all), and if you want to massage my ego and make my day, give this blog a quick follow to save a lazy student today!

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