If you thought that my life was always fun, you didn’t read my blog title.
Now before I start my rant I should acknowledge that I am an extremely privileged person. My parents are reasonably wealthy, I had the best education that money can buy; I’ve never gone hungry, I’ve always had a roof over my head, and a family to support me.
But I am really pissed off.
I (very stressfully) re-sat my final year at school. I went to a private school, and I re-sat my final year- wasn’t that scandalous? A lot of people thought so. And told me. Repeatedly.
And it seemed to validate that little voice in the back of my head, that I think a lot of us have, saying ‘See, told you that you weren’t good enough.’
Now I like to think that I get by despite failing at life pretty often, due to my sense of humour, but I have my limits.
I’m tired. I tired of my anxiety, I’m tired of what I think is clinical depression, I’m tired of trying to succeed in a world that seems to be set on saying; go to uni, get a job, a mortgage, get married, have children and you will be a success, but you will still grow to hate what you do and live a very mediocre life.
I like to think I haven’t been working towards that- that I’m trying to do something more adventurous. Not just 9-5 working then coming home and watching eastenders (although I am a fan I’ll admit). This is one of the reasons that I applied for my year abroad- I wanted to experience adventure, not just talk about it like so many people do.
But after uni this year, I’ve caught myself fantasising about coming home after work, relaxing and watching TV and not feeling guilty for it.
I should probably give an update, to explain why I’m feeling so deflated.
I got a job. My one of my dad’s workers had a family emergency, and with me working it means that I get a summer job, and she has her job waiting for her when she’s sorted everything out.
But I am on my feet literally all day, in a windowless room, and I have way too much time alone with my thoughts. This is one of the issues I had during my re-sit year; I was alone all the time, with nothing to do but think and overanalyse and I swear I nearly drove myself crazy. It sounds awful because the job is only for 3 days a week, and they need the help, and it’s money and I should be grateful, but I’m not sure if I can carry it on.
This would have been the first summer that I didn’t have a job, possibly for the last time, and I was kind of looking forward to getting to enjoy the freedom that I didn’t experience during my teens, because I went to a boarding school. I didn’t really get to do the whole ‘summer of fun’ people talk about.
I actually feel a bit better now- it’s a few hours since I wrote this section of the post, and since then I’ve heard that I’ve actually got accommodation in Montreal, so that’s cheered me up a bit.
But a massive cloud hanging over this experience is my current uni situation. I have a massive fear of failure, and it’s one of the main reasons I have anxiety, and experience panic attacks. My anxiety, and even my failures, do often make for pretty funny and entertaining stories, but my anxiety is getting to the point that I am struggling to make light of it.
I am almost certainly going to end up with a mid 2:2 this year. There have been some issues with my course professors, and many of the new modules have ended up being marked harshly, despite clear incompetence, which I think is unfair, and I think this grade is unfair. It might only be worth a third of my final grade, but I have very little faith in this department at this point, and of course I’m beginning to worry, which is making my anxiety return; something I had a handle on for a long time before now.
All I keep thinking is that I didn’t go through the pain and hard work of re-sitting my final year to end up with a 2:2. I want to do a postgrad in English Literature- I want to have a future without having to work hard for a bad grade I did nothing to deserve. I constantly worry about being frustrated, and not living up to my potential, and of ultimately failing at what I want, or realising what I want, and not being able to get it because of my grades.
I also nearly crashed during yet another driving test this week- I’m losing count of how many I’ve taken, and recently whenever anything like that’s happened, I’ve just made light of it by saying, ‘Oh well- I can write a blog about it,’ so that something has at least come from the situation.
But not with this- I can actually drive, and confidently, but my fear of failure always lets me down during tests, and I’m beginning to worry about how my anxiety is going to effect my life as an adult, and I do think I should seek some mental health treatment because I don’t think I deal with my emotions very well; I repress a lot of feelings, which leads to panic attacks and sudden bursts.
I know that the way I’m feeling now will pass; anything can happen in a year. I suspect I’ll feel better after a good sleep.
I’m sorry for the heavy post; but I think it might be important to acknowledge that with this blog I try to make light of some very serious issues I have. I haven’t really written about a lot of genuinely anxious episodes I have because I find them difficult to make funny. I will try and write about funnier things in the future; this has just been a bad week for me.
But perhaps I can make this a lesson; my blog is called ‘How to mess up your Twenties’ and I intended it to be filled with funny and weird anecdotes from my day to day life, because that is often what my life is like, and what life is like for many people in their twenties. However, my generation is one that will struggle to succeed in a bad economy, bad housing market, and an increasing opinion that people my age are lazy and selfish.
At the same time exams are harder than ever, jobs are scarcer than ever, and anxiety and depression in people my age are some of the highest statistics ever recorded, including world wars. I’m trying to write a funny blog about being in my twenties, but maybe there are some very important and poignant reasons as to why I feel the need to have such an outlet in this uncertain and scary time of my life, and perhaps as a society we need to look into why so called ‘millennials’ face so much pressure today to succeed, and the mental health implications this creates.