Odd news- think I might be feeling something…Or I’m too caffeinated and too tired at the same time.
I just went out to get some wine, and as I was walking back I started thinking about how most people don’t need crutches. Alcohol, comfort food, TV binge watches. They can cope without them. I wouldn’t by any means call myself an alcoholic- I certainly don’t drink every night, in fact the only reason I am tonight is because I’ve got tomorrow off. But I worried about it a little. Partly because I grew up with parents who were strict on alcohol because they were scared I would become an alcoholic, so I monitor my drinking closely.
But then as I was walking through the city centre, something stirred. When I was younger, I didn’t go to cities often, I grew up in the countryside. But even when my mum drove me to boarding school, which I hated, I couldn’t help but love all of those lights in the cold and dark and wet. I got that little tingle you get when you see something pretty.
I had a glimmer of that for the first time in years- it was kind of far away, it wasn’t quite present but I could vaguely feel it. The cold, the lights, the people, the dark- it was all so there.
I haven’t really felt in a while so it was a little weird. I was so aware of all of the cigarette smoke and the smell of the flower market, and the noises going on outside of my headphones, and the couples and the cars. I don’t think I’ve been that present in the world in a long time.
It was kind of scary. Thank fuck- the pills might be working.